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Submitted By	The Joke of the month
Bill Anderson, Joke of the month July '08.	The Polite Way to Pee During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted...
Dave Rogers, Joke of the month Aug.'08.	A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Dave Rogers Joke of the month Sept '08.	The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.g. the abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U Q. What is the fibula A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure A. A Roman Emperor Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face Q. What does the word 'benign' mean A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Dave Rogers Joke of the Month Oct. '08	A man says to his wife ' try and think of something that would make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies ' OK then, you're much better in bed than your brother'
Dori Henderson joke of the month Nov '08.	COMPLAINTS These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats. 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink. 16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
Dave Rogers joke of the month Dec. '08.	A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer... After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" "The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
Dave Rogers Joke of the month Jan '09.	In the finest handcrafted pure white envelope. With the creamiest, classiest envelope seal. Embossed with gold and silver writing. Topped off with a gold 1st class stamp. This is not just any redundancy........... This is a Marks and Spencer redundancy.
Simon Weston Joke of the month Feb '09.	A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
Dave Rogers joke of the month March '09.	It appears that 180 MPs have signed a motion calling for a ban on elephants in the circus. If the circus agrees to stop using elephants, will the Government agree to stop using clowns?
Dave Rogers Joke of the month April '09	An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra. 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' 'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection ' 'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
Simon Weston Joke of the month May '09.	Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Graham Simonds Joke of the Month June '09	Don't know if this is just a coincidence but.... 2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia 2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe. It gets worse........ Next year...... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Dave Rogers Joke of the month July '09	A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
Bill Anderson Joke of the month Aug '09	A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. “How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist. “Six pence,” says the chemist. “How much for a new one?” “Ten pence,”says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. “The regiment has taken a vote,” he says. “We’ll have a new one.”
Dave Rogers, Joke of the month Sept '09.	A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Dave Rogers Oct '09	A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.' So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' God simply replied 'You are what you are.' The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'' St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then , there you are.. You are white with black stripes..' The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?' 'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
Dave Rogers Oct '09	Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, " You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second black guy says," Yeah, all the time." The other says, "why is that?" The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."
Mike Horwood 'Oct 09	History of UK Maths teaching 1. Teaching Maths In 1970 A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit? 4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Maths In 2005 A forester cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the forester cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20. 6. Teaching Maths In 2009 A forester is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor. Your assignment: How many times is the forester going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work and may as well give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life? 7. Teaching Maths In 2010 A forester doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The forester struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The forester protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry, he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths. 8. Teaching Maths 2017 Ã ÇáãÓÌá ÊÈíÚ Íãæáå ÔÇÍäÉ ãä ÇáÎÔÈ ãä ÇÌá 100 ÏæáÇÑ. ÕÇÍÈ ÊßáÝÉ ÇáÇäÊÇÌ ãä ÇáËãä. ãÇ åæ ÇáÑÈÍ áå¿
Dave Rogers Oct '09	At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a Scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?" At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat. Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?" "I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."